Saturday, October 25, 2014

that a-ha moment

I've been crabby this week.  Now, before you get all smart-ass-y, yes, I'm crabby a lot but, lesbehonest, I'm 37 years old.   This is who I am.  It was a crappy week as far as lots of things being thrown my way and having to deal with it on my own.  That's the thing though.  I dealt with it.  On my own.  Last night as I was driving home from dinner with my parents and Aunt Kathy, I had a sort of revelation.  My entire life has been spent helping other people.  I could be in the worst mood ever and as soon as a friend calls I drop said mood and put on my "allow Laura to help you" face.  I need to not only want to help others, but help myself as well.  I've put a lot of faith into wanting people to be there for me as I would be there for them.  That's just silly.   I'm not saying my feelings and spewing about what's going on doesn't matter, I KNOW it does, I just don't need anyone to validate that.  Well, I mean, I'm sure I'll want someone to at one point or another but, I need to focus more on who I am.  I'm always taking care of others and very often when I have alone time, I don't know what to even do.  That's sad.  It's really sad.

So, in a few hours, I'm going to go with a friend for an afternoon/night away with some friends who I've never met. hahahaha That sounds SO funny.  Truth of the matter is, these people know a side of me that goes unspoken.  We may have never met face to face (although after today that won't be true), but there's so much that goes unsaid that they just "get."  I'm going to just have fun, be Laura instead of "mom" or "mama" and I'm not going to worry about what's going on or who wants (or doesn't want) to know what's going on.

It's time to just put a little faith in myself and quit waiting for it to be validated.  It's time for a little self-love because, well, honestly, I haven't loved myself in a VERY long time.

Thursday, October 23, 2014


So, I'm sure none of you are surprised that the whole "I'm gonna blog everyday!" thing didn't last more than what, 2 days?  I'd apologize, but I'm not sorry.  ha!  Life happens.  Stuff gets in the way.  Sundays are my only guaranteed days with Darik so, I doubt I'll ever blog on Sundays and well, lemme tell ya what's been going on instead of telling you why I haven't blogged.

Monday was fine.  I didn't have kids that day so I decided it was going to be the day that I cleaned house from top to bottom.  I cleaned from 8 am until about 1ish.  Then, I facetime'd a friend for awhile, and by that time, I finished up the little bit of stuff I had left to do and it was time to get the kids.  I was whupped after I put the kids to bed so, needless to say, they went to bed, I had a snack, and I went to bed as well.

Tuesday morning, Madelyn wakes up and says her gums feel weird.  I kinda brush it off because this is the first time I've heard about it.   I tell her that she's probably just getting some molars and we'd wait and see.  She takes a shower, morning goes on, I decide I'd better look and see.  Well, it's not the back of her mouth, it's the middle.  I knew she had a cavity, I wasn't sure where and well, it's a baby tooth, I wasn't overly concerned about it.  It is now of course abscessed.  Not only is it abscessed, but she has a cold sore on her gums.  I had to go to the school after she ate lunch, gave her some Advil and we had a dentist appointment set up for 315.  We go to the dentist...which she's petrified of, did I mention that?...and they want to get an X-ray.  First of all, she's 6.  She has a small mouth.  Odds are good you aren't going to be able to use an adult sized X-ray thingie on her.  Second, did I mention she's petrified of the dentist?  the X-ray results in her bawling because she's scared.  They don't get a good picture (surprise) and then when the dentist comes in she's questioning me about how long the tooth has been like that, when did she start complaining about it...blah, blah, blah (totally charlie brown's teacher going on in my head).  Then I got pissed.  How dare they insinuate that I let this get to the point where they want to do a root canal on her tooth??  So, me and my big mouth, I tell the dentist, "well, she just started complaining about it this morning and she's never once said it hurts.  She says it feels weird.  She never has said it hurts and this morning was the first time I've ever even heard of it."    They tell me she needs to be on antibiotics for 10 days before they'll even do anything to it.  Fine.  They want to do a pulp treatment, she's had one done's essentially a root canal on a baby tooth.  I don't know that I want to spend that much money on a tooth she's going to lose anyway.  Calm me cheap, whatevs.  I go to Walgreen's by the dentist...there are SEVEN people in the drive thru and the parking lot is packed.  Aw, hell, nah.  I decide to go the pharmacy by my parents' house.  They got it filled in 10 minutes.  Of course I got stuck behind every person going 10 mph BELOW the speed limit on my way there.  Go get Emma and my ILs and well, that's just another story for another time. :)

Tuesday night Madelyn was up every hour from 1230 on.  For various reasons.  Her tooth hurt (I get it's worse at night AND that tooth pain is the worst), she had a bad dream, she couldn't get comfortable, etc., etc.  I knew she'd probably wind up coming home from school and Wednesday but she was saying the pledge over the announcements Wednesday morning and she didn't want to miss that.  I got a call while I was getting groceries around 1130 that she was in the office and her tooth hurt.  I didn't hear my phone ring so I missed the call, they called Darik...because he can do a lot while he's at work...I hurry from Morris to go and get her and the little snot is LAUGHING on the car ride home from school.  I get it, it's tooth pain,'re not at school.  So, I made her lay down when the little girl I had here was taking her nap.  haha.  I showed her :p

Last night she was only up once at 230 asking for a reheat of her heating pad (I just make them myself) and some Advil/orajel.  I figured she should at least try to go to school today since they were getting out early.  930 I get the call.  So, she's home.  I figure, why fight keeping her at school.  They're out of school tomorrow (parent/teacher conferences) so, she'll have a few days to let the antibiotics work.

All of this going on on top of the normal chaos with babysitting and getting haircuts and blah, blah, blah...I'm ready for a weekend away.  Or a night.  Anything.

So, today, I'm baking.  These as a matter of fact.   I probably won't even eat any of them, but baking makes me feel better.  I'm stabbity, I have a crappy attitude, and well, no one deserves the tongue lashing that I could dish out today ;)

That's that.  That's why I've been kinda quiet.  The rest of the week and the weekend is jam packed as well.  I'll take a breather at some point...or crash...just how it goes this time of year.  I guess that's a good thing though because it keeps me from thinking and spiraling.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Today I didn't even have to use my AK

I'm so hilarious.

Today was a pretty good day considering the past couple have been total shit.  I think the difference was that I stayed busy.  I wasn't stuck at home with my thoughts and no one to talk to but the babies. ;)

Last week I'd ordered Madelyn some jeans.  We got them on Thursday and they didn't even sort of fit.  Oops.  So, today, we had to go and find some.  Every pair of jeans she had were about 3 inches too short.  The girls and I went with my mom to Old Navy and then to JC Penneys.  Then headed to Chipotle for lunch.  I spent the afternoon scrapping and chatting with some friends about a book I had just finished.   I kept myself occupied.  Darik was home this afternoon/evening so we hung out.  It was a good day.

I DO realize it's not all doom and gloom.  I'm definitely going to take the good days when I can get them...and today was one of those days.

With that, I'm off to eat my Starkiss and read a little bit of my book.  Darik is hunting for the first time this season in the am, and lord knows I'll wake up when he leaves at 330.  Fingers crossed (for all of us) that I fall back asleep.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Wow. 2 years, huh?

Clearly,  I'm easily amused.  It's been TWO years since I've even sort of used this blog.  It was such an important part of my weight loss journey and then the poor, little guy got pushed to the side because other things came about.  Well, the time has come where I'm going to rely on this "safe place" as my sounding board.  It's that time of year.  If you know me at all, you know what I'm talking about.  The time of year where  my insecurities rear their ugly head, where I feel as if I'm alone, where everyone is out to get me, it's just ugly...and I don't want to burden anyone with what's wrong because well, I can't always put into words what is wrong.  OR...I CAN put into words what is wrong and I don't want to vocalize it because well, it's silly and I'm VERY well aware of that.  So, with all of that being said, one of two things will probably happen throughout this season (and perhaps even farther if I continue on).  You'll either be able to relate with all of the crazy things or you'll want to smack me upside the head and shake the stupid, selfishness out of me.   I get it.  Not everyone gets the whole depression thing.  That's why this is here.  So I don't have to spew my word vomit on anyone but those who choose to read it.  That's all.  Maybe this'll give you a little insight into why I act the way I do as well.  Maybe.  Hell, most days even *I* can't answer that one.

One thing that I've noticed is that as I've gotten older, the "dark time" starts a little sooner than it has the year before.  I've always dealt with depression, anxiety, and just plain, ol' insecure feelings for as long as I can remember, but it's always much worse in the winter.  I'm a girl who needs the sun, the warmth, to be able to be outside and to spend time with my friends.  Winter in IL isn't so conducive to all of that nonsense.  It's gray.  It's cold.  It's icy or snowy.  No one wants to go out in it and probably 75% of my friends around here get some sort of seasonal depression as well.

I can't put what is wrong into words.  I'm just sad.  I think.  I make up scenarios that don't exist.  People who I know aren't upset or angry with me, really are.  So, I do two things.  I hide from those who I know I can reach out to (and ironically enough, a lot of times, it's the people who I wouldn't reach out to who are there) or I put on a happy face and help others crawl out of their hole of depression.  Admittedly, option two really does make me feel better.  For the time being.  I always seem to revert back to that feeling of the hole in my chest where something should be, but it just....isn't.  Music doesn't (always) help.  Reading doesn't (always) help.  Scrapping doesn't (always) just sucks.

So.  Now that you have an idea of what my yearly issue is...let's talk about what's been up lately.  Darik is working RIDICULOUS hours.  Like, 70 hours a week or more.  So, it's the girls and me, or my mom and the 3 of us, or babysitting kids here...and no Darik.  I KNOW he wants to be here with us and hates working so much and that he's doing it so we can live the way we do, but I hate it.  I hate that we only get about an hour of time with him at night (and sometimes, it's ONLY me because he doesn't get home until the girls are in bed) and time on Sundays.  That's it.  I miss him.  Yes, we drive each other crazy, but not seeing the person who is the yin to your yang, it's rough stuff.  I don't want to whine about it because, well, he hates it as much as we do.

Then, there's the whole imaginary scenario I've made up in my head.  My best friend has been quiet lately.  She's gone through a lot, I really don't want to just bother her for no reason (even though she continually reassures me I'm not bothering her), so I don't.  So now, our friendship is "faltering" and I'm too much of a wuss to say anything about it because I don't want to look stupid.  I hate to be that annoying person who texts for no real reason, or the person who complains all the time, or just says silly I don't.  Then I think about why she's not reaching out to me and it's because I'm just not a priority.  See.  THIS is the shit I don't want to talk to anyone about.  It's ridiculous, it's selfish, it could EASILY be resolved but because I'm a head case, I do nothing and I just continually go round and round in the same circle all the time.

The other thing that has really been getting to me lately is that the vast majority of my friends are eleventy billion miles away.  Yes, we talk daily, whether it be via text or phone call or whatever, but still, they're eleventy billion miles away.  Then I get sad because I don't have many friends here.  Which, I realize, this is my own fault but...again, my crazy spins out of control.

So, that's it for tonight.  I'm going to attempt to get lost in Photoshop and chat it up a little with my Bubba and keep the demons at bay for now.

Just, remember, I warned you and yes...this sucks.

Monday, January 23, 2012


*wiping the dust off the keyboard*

so, i ran into a bit of bad luck.  said kidney infection made me a little more sick than anticipated and well, i wasn't in the best of, i just sort of hibernated.  i feel mostly better now.  still have a pain in my side, but i go to the dr on wednesday, so we'll see.  i did go to immediate care one night and they ruled out the 'big' things (appendix, kidney, pancreas, blah, blah, blah...did an xray, nothing showed up) so, i just have been dealing with it instead of dwelling on it.

it has quickly become 'that' time of the year.  the blahs are setting in, i hate my husband, the kids are passing sickies back and forth, i'm a pleasant person all around :)

the past couple days i have been very irritable.  for no specific reason, just irritable.  could be pms, could be the weather, i'm just not sure.  little things annoy me.  people i should be nice to, i just can't be nice to, so, again, i hibernate.

darik is at that point in the hunting season where i hate him.  i keep telling myself, only 2 more weeks (not even that) and then i'll have my husband back, but i seriously don't know if i'll make it this year.  every year about this time, he becomes a selfish prick.  he doesn't come home after they're done, he stays out there to drink with the guys, i ask him to do something and he just flakes on it, he comes home to eat (sometimes) and sleep and that's about it.  then, he'll call me and wonder why i don't want to talk to him.  prime example (so you know, i can justify not being a complete psycho wife), madelyn is sick.  every time she gets sick, she gets goopy eyes.  not pink eye, but her eyes leak and she gets gunk.  i have pink eye drops but hate to use them bc she doesn't technically have pink eye.  so, i text him yesterday, he was working at the hunt club, about 2 pm to ask if he could stop and get some visine since i thought we had some and didn't pick any up.  he says, 'sure.'  he came home about 430 to go to the bathroom and i asked if he had the eye drops.  he said no because he hadn't been to the club yet.  he was going to drop off his stuff and he'd bring them home.  he wasn't going to stay out there because there was no one there, everyone had gone home.  so, we go about our business...i finally call him about 645.  yes.  645.  i ask if he'll be home soon.  he says, 'let me talk to the girls and i'll tell them good night.'  i say, 'well, they're not going to bed yet but i was wondering about the eye drops for your daughter.'  he then says, 'oh shit.  that's right.  do you want me to go get them?'  no.  i'll deal with it and i'll get them in the morning.  fast forward about 1/2 an hr later when they DO go to bed.  i have them say good night, then i hang up.  he immediately texts me...'what?  you don't wanna talk to me?'  i told him i was taking the dog out.  he says back, 'you should love me.'  o_0  i say, 'i was taking the dog out so i could put your children to bed.'  end of discussion.  he got home about 11.  i mean, am i overreacting?  no?  i didn't think so either.  i'm still angry about it today.  he called me this am, just to talk and he says 'boy, you seem like you don't want to talk this morning.'  really?  you think?


well, i'm off to take m to the dr's.  hopefully it's just a cold and no big deal.  it's her first 'real' sickness of the winter so i can't really complain.

until next time...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

where does time go?

i swear.  one day it's monday, the next it's saturday.  jeez.  i had to babysit both thursday and friday and well, once the kids leave and i get mine to bed, i'm done for.  i'm old.  i can't hang with the big kids anymore.

friday was a busy day.  i had madelyn's little boyfriend and his twin brother here.  lily was here, josh was here after school...and then emma had her 'big game'  she was so totally stoked for it and darik got home in time to go watch her which made her even MORE excited.  i of course brought pictures :p

she was SO into the game.  she had no idea what was going on....but wanted to root on the boys!

she had tons of fun and that's all that was really important to me.  i have a feeling the next time the opportunity comes up, she'll be alll over it.

today we took the girls to see beauty and the beast 3D and then ate at the food court in the mall and then went to Target.  it's becoming a sort of 'winter tradition' that we all get together for a girls day on saturday's when lynn doesn't have to work in the am.

other than that, not much else has been going on.  we got a pretty good snow storm thursday morning.  i didn't send madelyn to school on thursday because of it.   emma's cheer practice got cancelled thursday night because of it too.  now it's just cold.  the girls have been asking to play outside but, brrrrr

i'm still having quite a bit of pain from this kidney infection.  i got the results of the culture today and asked about the pain.  the chick told me to wait and take the 10 days of antibiotics before i worried about it.  awesome :/

one last thing i wanna bitch about.....m takes singulair.  she's taken it since before she had her adenoids out.  it helps her SO much and imo, she really needs it to prevent all the sickies.  we have to order maintenance drugs through the union hall if we want the insurance to cover it.  so, her rx for that comes from the hall.  we had to take her for a reassesment to make sure that the dr wanted to keep her on that and that doseage, blah, blah, blah.  so, i sent in the rx on December 31st.  TODAY....January 14th mind you, i get a thing in the mail saying i have to go pick it up at the post office.  so now, the poor kid has been without her medicine since 2 wks ago and we have to wait until tuesday to pick it up, all because i wasn't home to sign for it when the mail lady was here.  rawr.

that's it.  i suppose i should head to bed.  i didn't sleep much last night.  went to bed late and d got up early so....i'm kinda tired.