that a-ha moment

I've been crabby this week.  Now, before you get all smart-ass-y, yes, I'm crabby a lot but, lesbehonest, I'm 37 years old.   This is who I am.  It was a crappy week as far as lots of things being thrown my way and having to deal with it on my own.  That's the thing though.  I dealt with it.  On my own.  Last night as I was driving home from dinner with my parents and Aunt Kathy, I had a sort of revelation.  My entire life has been spent helping other people.  I could be in the worst mood ever and as soon as a friend calls I drop said mood and put on my "allow Laura to help you" face.  I need to not only want to help others, but help myself as well.  I've put a lot of faith into wanting people to be there for me as I would be there for them.  That's just silly.   I'm not saying my feelings and spewing about what's going on doesn't matter, I KNOW it does, I just don't need anyone to validate that.  Well, I mean, I'm sure I'll want someone to at one point or another but, I need to focus more on who I am.  I'm always taking care of others and very often when I have alone time, I don't know what to even do.  That's sad.  It's really sad.

So, in a few hours, I'm going to go with a friend for an afternoon/night away with some friends who I've never met. hahahaha That sounds SO funny.  Truth of the matter is, these people know a side of me that goes unspoken.  We may have never met face to face (although after today that won't be true), but there's so much that goes unsaid that they just "get."  I'm going to just have fun, be Laura instead of "mom" or "mama" and I'm not going to worry about what's going on or who wants (or doesn't want) to know what's going on.

It's time to just put a little faith in myself and quit waiting for it to be validated.  It's time for a little self-love because, well, honestly, I haven't loved myself in a VERY long time.