Friday, October 17, 2014

Wow. 2 years, huh?

Clearly,  I'm easily amused.  It's been TWO years since I've even sort of used this blog.  It was such an important part of my weight loss journey and then the poor, little guy got pushed to the side because other things came about.  Well, the time has come where I'm going to rely on this "safe place" as my sounding board.  It's that time of year.  If you know me at all, you know what I'm talking about.  The time of year where  my insecurities rear their ugly head, where I feel as if I'm alone, where everyone is out to get me, it's just ugly...and I don't want to burden anyone with what's wrong because well, I can't always put into words what is wrong.  OR...I CAN put into words what is wrong and I don't want to vocalize it because well, it's silly and I'm VERY well aware of that.  So, with all of that being said, one of two things will probably happen throughout this season (and perhaps even farther if I continue on).  You'll either be able to relate with all of the crazy things or you'll want to smack me upside the head and shake the stupid, selfishness out of me.   I get it.  Not everyone gets the whole depression thing.  That's why this is here.  So I don't have to spew my word vomit on anyone but those who choose to read it.  That's all.  Maybe this'll give you a little insight into why I act the way I do as well.  Maybe.  Hell, most days even *I* can't answer that one.

One thing that I've noticed is that as I've gotten older, the "dark time" starts a little sooner than it has the year before.  I've always dealt with depression, anxiety, and just plain, ol' insecure feelings for as long as I can remember, but it's always much worse in the winter.  I'm a girl who needs the sun, the warmth, to be able to be outside and to spend time with my friends.  Winter in IL isn't so conducive to all of that nonsense.  It's gray.  It's cold.  It's icy or snowy.  No one wants to go out in it and probably 75% of my friends around here get some sort of seasonal depression as well.

I can't put what is wrong into words.  I'm just sad.  I think.  I make up scenarios that don't exist.  People who I know aren't upset or angry with me, really are.  So, I do two things.  I hide from those who I know I can reach out to (and ironically enough, a lot of times, it's the people who I wouldn't reach out to who are there) or I put on a happy face and help others crawl out of their hole of depression.  Admittedly, option two really does make me feel better.  For the time being.  I always seem to revert back to that feeling of the hole in my chest where something should be, but it just....isn't.  Music doesn't (always) help.  Reading doesn't (always) help.  Scrapping doesn't (always) just sucks.

So.  Now that you have an idea of what my yearly issue is...let's talk about what's been up lately.  Darik is working RIDICULOUS hours.  Like, 70 hours a week or more.  So, it's the girls and me, or my mom and the 3 of us, or babysitting kids here...and no Darik.  I KNOW he wants to be here with us and hates working so much and that he's doing it so we can live the way we do, but I hate it.  I hate that we only get about an hour of time with him at night (and sometimes, it's ONLY me because he doesn't get home until the girls are in bed) and time on Sundays.  That's it.  I miss him.  Yes, we drive each other crazy, but not seeing the person who is the yin to your yang, it's rough stuff.  I don't want to whine about it because, well, he hates it as much as we do.

Then, there's the whole imaginary scenario I've made up in my head.  My best friend has been quiet lately.  She's gone through a lot, I really don't want to just bother her for no reason (even though she continually reassures me I'm not bothering her), so I don't.  So now, our friendship is "faltering" and I'm too much of a wuss to say anything about it because I don't want to look stupid.  I hate to be that annoying person who texts for no real reason, or the person who complains all the time, or just says silly I don't.  Then I think about why she's not reaching out to me and it's because I'm just not a priority.  See.  THIS is the shit I don't want to talk to anyone about.  It's ridiculous, it's selfish, it could EASILY be resolved but because I'm a head case, I do nothing and I just continually go round and round in the same circle all the time.

The other thing that has really been getting to me lately is that the vast majority of my friends are eleventy billion miles away.  Yes, we talk daily, whether it be via text or phone call or whatever, but still, they're eleventy billion miles away.  Then I get sad because I don't have many friends here.  Which, I realize, this is my own fault but...again, my crazy spins out of control.

So, that's it for tonight.  I'm going to attempt to get lost in Photoshop and chat it up a little with my Bubba and keep the demons at bay for now.

Just, remember, I warned you and yes...this sucks.


Charles Sheehan-Miles said...

Yup. I can relate to all of it :)

Amanda said...

I had to look at whose blog this was when it came up on Feedly. ;) We all have our demons and I also struggle quietly with mine. Chin up and know that your friends who are eleventy billion miles away still care for you!